Five Reasons Why I Am Jealous Of Divorced Women

Divorced Women
How I Imagine Divorced Women Live

I was recently surprised to discover that I am jealous of divorced women.

Let me clarify that statement: I am jealous of financially secure divorced women.

I know that chasing a deadbeat dad for child support is no picnic and many female heads-of-households fall into poverty.

I don’t envy those women. No, I mean women who are making as much money, or more than, their husbands when they get divorced.

Hell, sometimes these women are even better off financially. If hubby has an expensive hobby, an addiction, or makes bad financial decisions, sometimes women are economically better off once they are legally separated from their ball and chain. And he no longer has access to the joint bank account.

I’m not oblivious to the grief of genuine heartbreak and broken dreams. To put it mildly, it is no fun being physically separated from someone you love. Or to love someone who doesn’t love you back.

But, imagine if you will, strong, independent, professional women who have initiated divorce with a joyous heart, a yearning for freedom, and the ability to pay their own bills.

This is what I envy:

Frequent Child-Free Breaks

Divorced women aren’t responsible for every facet of their children’s lives. For God’s sake, every other weekend, they are on freaking vacation. Twenty-six weeks a year, they get to take a weekend trip, read a book from cover to cover, take an uninterrupted bubble bath and have a guilt-free Girl’s Night Out, all while basking in the knowledge that their children are spending quality time with their loving father. It’s an unbelievable bonus for doing the right thing for your children! You have fewer responsibilities – because Daddy now does half, something you know damn well he wasn’t doing before – and the children now have more quality time with both parents! It’s a win-win for everybody!

Dates With Men Who DO SOMETHING

Divorced women go on dates! They get their hair “done,” shave their legs, put on lipstick, and go out! They get to go to fancy restaurants and flirt over a glass of wine. If they’re lucky, they still get butterflies on occasion. Chances are this man will do something, anything, to express his interest or appreciation. Maybe he will bring flowers. Maybe he will bring take-out. Maybe he will just make a decision about something fun so you don’t have to.

Less Housework

Divorced women do less work than when they were married. Think about it, one less person’s laundry to clean means fewer towels. One less person to cook for means fewer dishes. One less person leaving their dirty socks on the floor means less to pick up at the end of the day. Sure, you’re the only adult around to walk the dog and take out the trash, but that’s better than having to repeatedly ask someone else to do it every night. And if your kids are old enough to take on some of these tasks, Score! Really, as long as you can pay someone to take care of the yard work, (or have kids old enough to do it), then you’ve got it made in the shade.

Freedom To Make Decisions

Divorced women do not have to ask anyone a flippin’ thing about what they do or don’t do. They can choose to purchase a new comforter for the bed without a committee meeting. They can paint the dining table blue. They can buy a pony! They can do any damn thing they want to do and there is no one around to judge them. Divorced women receive more compliments and less criticism.

 No Sexual Obligations

Divorced women do not have to have mercy sex when they are tired or not in the mood. Divorced women do not have to hurry to get to bed and pretend to be asleep before their husband gets there in order to avoid the inevitable negotiations – “tomorrow night, I promise.” Divorced women can have orgasms every night or go for months without and there is no one to consider but themselves. And when self-love and sex toys are not enough, there’s always that date on their off-duty weekend, and when they don’t want him around, they can send him home.

Sure, my reasons for envying divorced women are tongue-in-cheek – or are they? I wouldn’t really want to be divorced. I love my husband and we love our child as a family.

In truth, there are more pros than cons to being married. But every once in a while, after a long day or an annoying exchange, I imagine what it might be like to have 26 weekend vacations a year.

I’m just kidding. Or am I?

Previously Published on Suburban Misfit Mom


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